| I finally think im OK.............. |
[Sep. 3rd, 2005|08:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
After way to much thinking, sleep deprivation, and starving myself(unintentionally) I finally think that I realized what i needed to in order to move on in life. A lot more people than i thought really do care about me and we're there for me emotionally when i needed it most(you know who you are), and i thank each and every last one of you for all the advice and attention you have given me and i'll never forget it. I know I'm a really nice kind hearted person even when i shouldn't be and i think others see that in me as well. At the same time I think I'm a bit selfish for feeling like shit with all the shit going on in the world and I'm just thinking about how fucked up it was for me to think of my small problems compared to the war and shit the U.S. is going through right now. But anyway thanks to everyone that has helped me when my heart felt like shit and just know that i'll be OK and everything will work out how its supposed to in the end. |
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| Things i've learned! |
[Aug. 12th, 2004|08:48 pm] |
This is a list of some things I've learned just from living for 21 short years, I just thought I'd share it for people who I believe can benefit from reading it.
I've learned ..... You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. the rest is up to them.
" " that no matter how much you care, some people just dont care back.
" " it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
" " that its not what you have in life but who you have in your life that counts.
" " that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
" " that you can do something in an instant that can give you a heartache for life.
" " that its taking me a long time to become the person i want to be.
" " that you should always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.
" " that you can keep going long after you thought you couldn't.
" " that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
" " that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
" " that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
" " that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regarless of the consequences.
" " that money is a lousy way of keeping score
" " that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
" " that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
" " that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that does not give me the right to be cruel.
" " that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for love.
" " that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they dont love you with all they have.
" " that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
" " that no matter how good a friend is, they are going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
" " that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
" " that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesnt stop for your grief.
" " that our background and circumstances may influence who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
" " that just because two people argue, it doesnt mean that they dont love each other. And just because they dont argue, doesnt mean they do.
" " that we don't have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.
" " that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
" " that two people can look at exactly the same thing, and see something totally different.
" " that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
" " that credentials on a wall do not make a decent human being.
" " that people you care about most in life are taken away from you too soon.
" " that its hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, when standing up for what you believe in.
" " that people who know absolutely nothing about you, can change your life in an instant.
" " that your family can let you down, and sometimes...others can become your family, teaching you its"ok" to love again. |
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| whats going on! |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|10:12 pm] |
Wow, what have I been up to? Nothing much, well actually a lot. Everything is kinda the same but with a different twist. OMG i hate my fucking job. That place pisses me off so much I dont know how I make it through everyday. The only thing I'm looking forward to is the six month bonus which will be coming very soon. It will be for all of the employees who have opened the store with my boss( about 7 or us). Knowing that helps me get through the day. Ive been searching for another job but maybe I'm not looking in the right places or maybe there is something wrong with my resume. I don't know what it is but I need to find another job so I can be really happy again. But every now and then I fall from some kind of stress in my life but my greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time I fall!
Something kinda dramatic happened last week when i was coming home from work. I kinda witnessed a shooting not far from my house and for the rest of the day I was really traumatized. I think that my neighborhood is such a bad place to live sometimes and i wanna move, but when i think about it there are a lot more dangerous neighborhoods and i was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. I thought at first that by moving i would be safer, but thats not necessarily the case always. Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
Outside from my job and neighborhood being crap recently, I have been really......happy. Happiness is not having what you want ,but wanting what you have. It doesn't matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn't matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years - we turn on the light and it is illuminated. Once we control our capacity for happiness, the light has been turned on. I can thank jen for part of this, she's one of the best new things to come into my life. Over the last year or so I've been involved with a lot of females that ended up being.......birds, but she's different. I guess i was looking in the wrong places for the wrong things which is why I had the wrong girls. But this one is different......i mean or course she's different because shes the new lady in my life but she's different...in a "different" way. She has some of the greatest most unbelievable qualities I can think of in the body of only one person. They say "good things never last", but i hope they're wrong about this because i wouldn't mind her sticking around for awhile. I'm not sure if I know how but eventually i want to return all of the happiness that she has given me if i haven't already! |
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| OH-KAY! < / lil jon > |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|09:12 pm] |
SO. i am so great and i made this fantabulous layout for the silly najib.
bug him to update more. |
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| relationships, love and life! |
[May. 4th, 2004|12:56 am] |
This last week has been ok i guess. I had fun over the weekend on tinas b-day but the movie was awful. Anyway, everything is the same in my life with the exception of a few small details. I've decided to finally join a gym. I found one around my house that I can afford so I'm gonna join next week. I wanna get in really good shape for the summer so I'll feel betterabout myself. i think if I start now, by the middle of July, I'll be really fit and ready for anything that heads my way.
Outside of what im doing for myself, I have more thoughts in my brain about life, relationships and love, a topic which I'm usually uncomfortable discussing but am now thinking about since it was spoken about in a recent conversation with a friend. I think everyone at one point or another has wanted to be with someone that they felt were so right for them but that feeling just wasnt returned. Well I think i now understand why that is or at least one of the reasons it could be. Nature works in weird ways to bring people together when its really meant to be, I was always believed this to be true. But this can also happen for two people that just arent meant to be. If this wasnt true then there wouldnt be any unperfect relationships. So if you dont get someone you want, dont worry because its probably a bad idea anyway. If it really was meant to happen between you two, then somewhere down the line, you two will hook up. Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.
I also realized that you cant control who you love and if that same love is returned because of my theory above. Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons from coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. I have learned a lot about love from being deeply in love really early in my life and having to rebuild each piece that was broken to continue life. One of the most difficult thing that you can do is to watch the person you love love someone else. This is true recovery!
A lot of people especially young people have the wrong perception about love and what it really is to love and be in love. The quality of love and the duration of a relationship are in direct proportion to the depth of the commitment by both people to making the relationship successful. Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life. Immature love says, "I love you because I need you." Mature love says, "I need you because I love you." Love is merely the exchange of two illusions and the contact of two skins. It just like people say about the truth, sometimes it prevails, sometimes it really hurts.Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Love is not blind, it simply enables one to see things others fail to see. At the same time love is a little blind. When we love someone dearly, we unconsciously overlook many thoughts. But in the end, love is not something you feel, it's something you do. The only love worthy of a name is unconditional.
Now about life, I have a lot to say on this subject too. You have to reanalyze you life and think of things like this. Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, friends, and spirit - and you're keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls - family, health, friends, and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Najib- |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|11:07 pm] |
WOW! my first LJ entry. I'm feeling much much better than I have the last couple of days. I guess that I had to give my brain time to recover over a personal matter. But now i'm back on track and feeling way better than I have. I still have a lot of questions that dont make sense concerning that situation but now i realize that my qoute really does make a lot of sense.
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. "
At first I didnt follow my own advice but now I understand. I can sometimes be so impatient. But anyway I helped 2 people get jobs where I work so im happy for them and myself. I figured out what classes I'll be taking when I return to school via online courses. I cant wait to find out what thats like. I made up with a couple of people i were upset with and people that were upset with me. So now i just have to stay on the plan that I layed out for myself and I'll be ok mentally, physically, and finacially.
I have so much thoughts on my mind during the course of a day. Sometimes I give myself a headache just from thinking too much. But its like I really cant help it. I still find each day too short for all that thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books want to read, and all the friends I want to see. I dont remeber the last time I've had a good 8 hrs. of sleep. I think that could help a lot. You see, the big problem with my growing up is not limited by time, culture or geography. I share the same wonder and confusion as everyone else: Who am I? Why am I here? Does it matter? Ultimately I hope we all answer (.....):. Yes, it does. We do matter. And that is both a challenge and a joy. Everyone in my opinion is an explorer. So, how could you live your life looking at a door and not open it? This shows that you have a lot of character. Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that’s right is to get by, and the only thing that’s wrong is to get caught.
I guess to sum everything im trying to say, you have to look at things like this-
How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one finds darkness not only in one’s culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.
Analyze that! |
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